Lost & Found

Today is a very important day for me, did you know that? Yes, indeed!! Today marks my one year anniversary that I decided to change my life and make my way towards better health.  I am happy to report that in the last year, I have made significant changes in my food choices, my activity level, and in attempting to live my life with the idea of a mind-body-spirit connection.  I practice what is called “mindful eating” (meaning I do not put anything in my mouth unless I am fully aware of the choice that I am making) and I actually CRAVE exercise when I don’t do it.  For that reason, I try to exercise 3 to 5 times a week, and although I STILL struggle with making myself a priority (but I’m better than I was a year ago!), I know for a fact that I am living a healthier lifestyle (with room for improvement…as always!)

Looking back on it now, (and for those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning, forgive me if I’m being repetitive, but it bears repeating!), I do not think that I would have changed my ways had I not been “scared straight.” Growing up as an overweight child and later an overweight adult, I knew full well the right foods to eat, the right exercises to do, the right things to say…but I wasn’t doing any of them.  Quite frankly, I was making TERRIBLE choices in my care of myself, and I knew it, full well. I also was just no longer motivated to take the time to make the changes I knew I needed to make. Whether this was because of so many efforts at losing weight only to gain it back…A temporary change of a few weeks that would soon result in my regressing to those terrible habits…and then, before you knew it, I not only had 50 pounds to lose, I had 70…and then 80…and then, on February 5, 2011, 100 pounds of excess weight I had been carrying around.  I knew that I was killing myself, and yet, I couldn’t quite seem to take the time to make myself stop making the wrong choices.  Ironic, I often thought, considering that the “choices” lecture is a common one in my house with the children, and yet I continued to make poor choices, reap negative consequences, and had no intention of changing my ways.

And so it was on the night of February 4^th  that I entered into the Hospital fully convinced that I was not going to be seeing my children again. Wouldn’t see weddings, grand-babies, or experience any of the sweet things that life had yet to offer.  And, quite frankly, that was it, my “A-Ha Moment.”  As I lay in that hospital bed, wondering if I would ever see my children (or my parents, or my sisters) again, and I had interns swarming in and out asking me my medical history, and then kind of pursing their lips when they informed me that I was pre-diabetic, hypertensive and overweight (and the implied but never said, “hey, lady…what did you expect?!”)… I realized:  I was laying there as a result of WHAT I HAD PUT IN MY MOUTH.  What I had CHOSEN to put into my body.  Oh. My. God.  I had done this.  Me.

And that was it, friends, the “lightning bolt” moment – whatever you want to call it – but that was IT.   I could not believe that I had gambled so carelessly with the most precious gift of all. Not my beloved husband.  Not my precious children. But ME. I had gambled with MY precious life.  And I promised God and myself that if I walked out of that hospital alive, I would NEVER take it for granted again. And I am happy to report that I have not.

This is not to say that over Christmas that I didn’t “fudge” a little…of course I did! And it’s not to say that I am now Jack LaLanne’s protégé…truth is: I love my cardio, but just like everyone else, there are days when I just don’t feel like it.  But all I have to do is go back to that moment in the hospital, and I am reminded that I AM PRECIOUS TO ME.  I am just as deserving of my care and love as any one of my children, husband, family or friends.  I MATTER. I am worth it.

So, here I sit, on February 5, 2012.  I have lost several inches from all over my body, I have released several excess pounds (although this is a goal I still have a ways to go on), and my doctor is beyond pleased with the improvements I have made in my health.  I still have a ways to go on this journey, but here’s the truth, friends:  It IS the journey that makes it all worthwhile.  I know for a fact I will eventually reach my goal weight, and my health goals will be realized as well. I have known from the start that this time I will succeed.  But I have realized something along the way that is far more precious even than those pounds that have been “lost”…I realized that I had lost my way, and I needed to find it again.  Remember that moment months ago, during that Spin Class in North Carolina? I was in the class and the other members of the class started to sing “Amazing Grace”? Well…I realized why that was such a profound moment in my life…it’s because I had lost my way, and then by His Grace, I was found.  And every day since, I am aware of what a gift this life is, and for it, I am so, so grateful.